Modern Thought, page 5

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The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese Everyone has a plan until they punched in the mouth
Junk is the unused stuff you've had for years and won't need until you throw it out Procrastination: a vote of confidence in your future self
Beauty is only skin deep and that is quite sufficient Your dryer doesn’t shrink your clothes your refrigerator does
If there's no light at the end of your tunnel maybe it's a cave Sacred Cows make the best burgers
Weddings aren’t GAY or straight ...just a waste of money that could have been used for a down payment Murphy was overly optimistic
This too shall pass. Like a kidney stone, maybe, but it will pass The best stress ball is a rock that’s not too heavy to throw
If at first you don’t succeed, you didn’t watch a YouTube how-to video The best time machine is an old song
Exercising bad judgment may be bad, but at least it's exercise When camping, the best way to avoid Bigfoot is to carry a reliable camera
Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee The bigger they are, the harder they kick your ass
An expert is someone who is one page ahead in the manual When you step on toes, you make them eager to kick your butt
Gift cards: Gift shopping’s tiny surrender flags When the blind lead the blind get out of the way
Money isn't the key to happiness but you can use that money to have a key made Courage is often based on incomplete information
Children, drunks and leggings always tell the truth A pessimist sees the glass half empty, an optimist sees it half full, a mom sees one more thing she has to wash
Handcuffed is almost never a good way to wake up A poor memory is not the same as a clear conscience
Parties: For when you want to clean up twice in 12 hours A penny saved... is ridiculous
Bedwetting is when you let Nature's Call go to voicemail Karma's only a bitch if you are
Money always wins If you really “did it like a boss” other people did it for you and you just took the credit
When one door closes... open it. It's a door. That's how they work. Our relationship with food starts and ends with cheeks
Every day is a gift of unreturnable things you didn’t ask for A to-do list is a great way to track how little you're accomplishing
Justice is in the eye of the key holder Vegetables is what food eats
When it hits the fan it is never evenly distributed You never  know what you have until you check your fridge
If you can’t handle someone at their worst you may have very healthy boundaries PASTE ALT HERE
All stamps are food stamps if you eat them Cheese = milk + magic
There is no we in fries. Karma has no deadlines
Silence is golden, unless you have young kids, then  it’s suspicious Everything we hear is only opinion. Everything we see is only perspective
If you ain't different, you ain't normal The key to any relationship is sincerity Once you can fake that the rest is easy
Reality is where the pizza delivery guy comes from The future doesn't need us
The past is like the future with the lights on Bad times don’t last forever. Very soon will come worse times
Good friends finish each other’s sandwiches It’s best to confront your fears (unless you fear bears)
If you don't have a Plan B, you don't have a plan For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
Life begins at coffee Tomorrow will be better. Or worse. Maybe the same.
History may not repeat itself but it does rhyme a lot. -Mark Twain Inside every small problem is a larger problem waiting for you to let it out
Alcohol is the answer when the question is, “What is, C2H6O?” Leftovers are for quitters
When life gives you lemonade… make lemons. Life will be all like, WHAT?! Good judgment is gained from experience which is often gained from bad judgment
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